Classical Conditioning

At this point, I’ve written a lot about my situation, but I haven’t said anything on how or why it happened.

I know it is not sensible to talk about family on my blog, but that has been something that I always thought of. But there's nothing to fear about it, family is always there and no matter what they have to understand what goes on in your life. 

When anyone ever asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said, “Anything. As long as it made a lot of people happy.” But no one stopped me from wanting that, no one told me that it was impossible to do, they just let me say it. So, I learned the hard way. In a household where culture and religion were taken very seriously, I had to learn differently. I wasn't know white person who had to go to therapy as a child because I had issues, no that was bogus. We don't do that, we're supposed to be fine, we are supposed to suppress certain feelings while being an obedient child.

I don't know where it came from, but I always strived to be perfect, I felt like it was something I had to be so my family would like me. So that’s what I spent my childhood doing, and I ended up growing up too fast.

Culture and religion are never supposed to mix, but in my family it did. It was confusing growing up, being told different things from different people, I didn't know what to do most of the time so I just went with the most harsh rule and followed it. As a child, it messed me up. I was insecure child, I was bullied in school, I looked up to people who weren't my family, and sometimes i felt safer being at school than I was at home. The teachers always made me feel special, and I took comfort in that. It sucks coming to this conclusion, but its true.

My parents were very young when they had me, father at 19 and mother at 17. My father is Afghan and my mother is Mexican, which means I am half Afghan, half Mexican. My mother took my father’s religion and converted to Islam. To make things clear, Afghans are not all Muslims and not all Muslims are Afghan (or terrorists). Also, Afghans are a group of people who come from Afghanistan and Afghani is a culture. Islam is a religion and Muslims are the people who follow it. Also, I am not blaming my family for my condition, I chose to be that way when I was a child and I let the small things get to me. 

Now, back to the main story.

I was raised part-time by my Afghan grandparents, while my parents went to school and worked. Honestly, all I remember when I was a child was that I could never be out of line or else I would get in trouble. But I never understood why I couldn’t be a kid. I never remembered being crazy or having too much fun, I just remember crying and never being able to talk to anyone about what went on in my little brain. I never talked about funny things or asked funny child questions, I just was. And it really sucked.

I am the first born of my Afghan cousins and I was told that it was mostly my responsibility to be the leader of the group, I was expected to be the adult. Maybe my family will see it differently, but this is how I saw it. I had to take care of them. So, I had to grow up, but that was what I did to myself. I let family get to me. It was an unspoken responsibility, but I knew that I had to grow up faster, and I never felt like fit in with the rest of my family. I was always the odd one out, and it sucked because I just wanted to be a kid, but there was something that always held me back.

Most of the “ideals” for growing up in an Afghan household were a given and hardly ever spoken about, but it was subconsciously implemented, like; Never disobey, never talk back, never question, follow the religion without question, never say no to older people, never talk to boys (ever), always be modest, study hard, never stay out late, etc. (honest to god there is a lot more to the list but I can’t remember them all). It wasn’t fair, I never got a break from constant pressure. I had to be perfect, I couldn’t mess up. Maybe it was because I lived with my grandparents most of my life, or maybe it was because my parents never talked to me as a kid about what was going on. Maybe it was because everyone always told the kids that we were always useless, dumb and unimportant.

I respected, never disobeyed, but it taught me to be sneaky, untrusting, rebellious, and ultimately, damaged and broken.

And that's just the beginning.

I’m not bad mouthing my religion or any of my cultures, I’m just saying that there are some things that have to change about it.