Don't Take Me Back to September

When it was time for my appointment with my General Doctor, I took my mom with me. I was a nervous wreck and I needed someone by my side, she also always knew what to ask so that helps well. The only thing I could remember from that day was that my doctor was quick about everything and gave the slightest bit of concern. The only thing she was concerned about was how my weight stayed the same. Apparently if you have hypothyroidism, you tend to gain weight from eating so much, but I wasn't eating and I wasn't losing weight either. With Hyperthyroidism, you lose all the weight and are more lethargic.

So there I was sitting on the exam table at 117lbs, a little embarrassing for someone at my height at the time, but it didn't matter.

I tried to talk to her about how work and school made me very nervous and I got scared all the time to go places, but she didn't listen to me. I also wanted to ask her about my lack of appetite, but she just wrote up a prescription and told me to get another blood test to confirm the hypothyroidism. I also had to get an ultrasound to check my neck, because that's where the thyroid glands are and if it was more serious, they needed to know to see if they were swollen or not (they weren't).

Then she said that I would feel better after I take the medication and just to check back in a month. I do the list of chores she gave me. The ultrasound, the blood test, and I go and pick up my medication.

That whole day, I got lost in thought.

That was it...

It felt wrong leaving the doctors office. I felt like there should have been more precaution about what I was going through. I didn't even get a pamphlet. My own doctor did't even tell me about how I would feel or some of the symptoms of this health issue. There was something seriously wrong and it was not just the hypothyroidism.

The next day I got a call confirming the hypothyroidism, so I was told to take the medication and just check in every few months to see how I was doing.  Which also meant that I possibly might be taking medication for the rest of my life. If you have hypothyroidism, you might get hyperthyroidism, and vice versa.

So I chose not to take the medication and take the natural route. I chose to take vitamins instead of just taking the thyroid medication. I didn't want to risk my health more. 

If you want some deets about my test results: I tested my thyroid stimulating hormone which is otherwise known as TSH and the standard range for it is between 0.358-3.800 mcIU/mL, and my TSH was tested at 309.000 mcIU/mL. Way over the range, which was why I had to be re-tested, everyone was a bit freaked out, but they didn't show it. 

(Back to the vitamins) If the natural way didn't work, then I would give in and take the medication that was prescribed. 

It was the second week of September and I had my first exams coming up for Bio and Chem. I hadn't studied one bit, I was stressed out about my health and i hadn't paid any attention to any school work. Up to this point, Bilal helped me with all my homework.

The night i was officially diagnosed, my husband and mom told me to drop my classes and quit my job. To take a break from all the stress and heal for a semester. As much as I wanted to, I liked having my job, and I needed to go to school. I didn't want to give up just then, even though I had already felt like I was screwed because I hadn’t been paying attention in class at all. I wasn't going to be a disappointment as well. Besides, the deadline passed for a refund and I would have two withdrawals on my record and that’s not something I wanted.

I thought I had the worst panic attack in August, but on September 14th, it had gotten dramatically worse. When I woke up that morning, my chest was tight, it felt like I had ran a marathon and I couldn't breathe, but I took a few deep breaths and took a swig from my inhaler.  But my chest still hurt as I drove to school and went to class. I tried to distract myself with actually paying attention in class, but the pain got worse and I thought I was going to hurl. My heart felt like someone was stabbing at it over and over again. I thought I could take it, and I thought about how embarrassing it would be if i just picked up my things and left. I had half an hour before class ended and I thought I could tough it out, but I couldn't even pay attention to the lecture because the pain was so excruciating. Then I did it, I packed everything and got the hell out. I hate re-living that moment, I felt like such a disappointment. Without looking back, I went straight to my car and drove home.

As soon as I got home, without thinking, I dropped my classes and sat in a daze for the rest of the day.

That same weekend, I put in my two weeks at my job. I didn't have to, I could have worked something out, but I don't think anyone really cared about what was going on with me, so quitting seemed like a reasonable decision. Especially after, when I heard that I should have been fired anyway, so I wouldn't have had the upper hand of quitting. Most of the people were cool, but the owners were some shit people, not to be rude, but seriously.

It kind of felt good. It was good, taking a break. Everything up until that point had been crazy and had I had been going a million miles an hour. It was hard staying still for a second. There was a lot of change that happened and I couldn't deal with it, and it was eating me alive.