21

I turned 21 this month, but sadly, just like most things (in my life at the moment), the day didn’t go as planned.

My name is Shaista Said.

For the past few months, I have been completely absent. I was nothing and wanted to be nothing. What I loved most about it was that no one noticed me (besides my parents and my husband). What sucks is that this feeling has has been an ongoing issue for me. For as long as I could remember, I have always been a nervous wreck. In August 2017, my problems got dramatically worse. All I thought was “This is it, I am at my absolute worst”, because I felt like I was dying. You might say that I'm "overreacting”, but I believe that most people go through a change, like this, in the body, mind, and soul.

What it felt like for me is that I was, running a race and if I stopped, I would trip in front of everyone, so my only choice is to keep running. Because of this race, I start to panic. If you don't get a feeling like this, then you're a lucky one, and keep going, you're doing great. But if you are someone who feels like this, then you can follow along. I understand, life happens, but it happens at different times for different people, it happens all the time. What sucks is that no one will wait for you to catch up, you just have to find the courage to get up from where you have fallen to finish the race.

I have always been afraid to change and of any kind of change. Moving to different places, changing schools, growing older. I have never been fond of change, But here I am, doing my part in it to become that person that everyone thinks I am.  

But I'm just learning how you and I can make this life better, even though I feel pretty shitty right now.

I will discuss my past, present and future. How I dealt with the ups and downs of life, when I went out on a limb, and explain why I did all those stupid things. I will give you names of books I have read and how some chapters changed my life. I will give up the things I have learned about in my childhood, and during my struggles, and maybe all of my insecurities. You are free to ask me anything, or complain to me, whatever your little heart desires.

So it’s time to begin.

I was very excited about August because there was so much happening, It was my husband’s and sister’s birthday month, my friend was getting married, my mom was going out of town, and I was starting my third year of college.

For Bilal's birthday, I was planning a surprise Game of Thrones Birthday Party for him. It was the first year we would be celebrating his birthday as a couple so I was very excited for it. When the day came around, it was rather cold for an August day and I felt a little bummed about it. I ended up cooking most of the day and I felt extremely out of place, I wanted it to be perfect, but it wasn’t going that way. I decided to put on my good face for the day, even though I didn’t feel well, I always tell myself that it’s just me being too sensitive. The party turned out great, everyone that was supposed to come, came and my husband had fun, that was all that mattered to me.

A week after his party my sister and mom went out of town for my sister’s birthday. The weather at this time was very gloomy, so I became the same kind of gloomy.  I started to grow tired and sad and opted to stay indoors, even though I was still on summer break. A few days after my mom and sister left, I started college. I was supposed to be very excited because I was always excited about college, getting classes out of the way to graduate was one of the best feelings. But who the first day of school rolled around, it happened to be  one of the worst days I have ever lived, I had only gone to one class and I broke down after it. I had no idea why I was so nervous and stressed out. I remember coming home for my first class and crying my eyes out, and I did not want to go to my next class. I was almost scared to go back to school that day, so I didn't. Apparently, I was having a panic attack. I have had panic attacks before, but I was never diagnosed it as one, so I walked around blindly for about 20 years. Turns out I have always been a bit messy and I tried not to show it, but it finally bit me in the ass.

That day I couldn’t sit still, I pacing around the house like a maniac. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I wanted to rip out every organ out of my body, I just wanted it to go away. If you don’t know what a panic attack feels like, it feels like being on a roller coaster right before the drop, but not dropping. That pit in your stomach that is full of excitement and anxiety, but it just keeps getting worse, then the rollercoaster drops and your flying towards the ground at 70mph with no protection. You're hitting every twist and turn without a warning and your body is just thrown from side to side. You want to get off because its gotten to the point where you feel like you might die. You can't scream for help because your choked up with air and your throat is dry. You can't get off and you start to close your eyes, but the nightmare isn't over, because you were just sitting in your bed,  you weren't on an actual rollercoaster.

If you don’t know what a panic attack feels like, that’s great. And if you do, I sympathize.

So, here I am, the first day of school, my third year of college and I can’t get a grip on myself.

The next day, I was sitting on the couch with my husband when I felt a little uncomfortable around the area where my left thigh ends at the hem of my underwear. I looked it up and it’s called, the “Inguinal” area. Anyways, I always feel around my body because I get bumps that show up out of anywhere. Anyways, I discovered a small tiny ball, bump inside of my skin. It couldn’t be a pimple because it would have formed on top of my skin, so the panic sets in. I tell my husband and he doesn’t get an idea, I would usually tell my mom but she was still out of town. I instead called her, she knows about this history so my she just said to make a doctor’s appointment as soon as possible. Right away I call for an appointment with a gynecologist, but they’re booked for the next month. Instead I get an appointment with a Nurse Practitioner for September 6th, that was two weeks away.