I skipped brushing my teeth with toothpaste in the morning because it made me nauseous. I know, you’re thinking “that’s disgusting”, but I still brushed my teeth with water and I chewed minty gum after. I didn’t tell anyone about this, until now. So, please bear with me.

During September of 2017, I learned how to hate myself.

I already shut down the social media scene, so I drowned myself in Romantic Comedies on Netflix. I became unhappy with myself so fast. It was hard to feel right and I don’t know how to explain it.

I remember the day I was diagnosed, it was two days after my appointment, so it was a Thursday. I was driving home from my morning Biology class and I got a call from an unknown caller, and I was driving so just I sent it to voicemail. After I got off at my exit, I listened to the voicemail. It was an urgent call from the nurse practitioner I saw the day before. It was all meshed blur of words that I got, but she said something about hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism, she couldn’t be certain about it because she wasn’t exactly certified to do that. And that was the end of the voicemail. I was relieved, but also confused and scared. I never heard about hypothyroidism/hyperthyroidism so I couldn’t wrap myself around the thought of possibly having it.

As soon as I got home, I tried to tell my mom about the voicemail, and I started to get scared. But she was on the phone with someone else, so she handed me this fat book called "Nutritional Healing". My mom always handed me that book when something new came up. It’s basically an A-to-Z book referencing to drug-free remedies using vitamins, minerals, herbs and food supplements to heal your body. as much as a trust the test results that new medicine has for us, I don't usually trust the medication that is prescribed. 

When I looked up both, hypothyroidism and hyperthyroidism, it was very overwhelming. Both conditions were bad, and the situation I was in, was for life. People who have this condition tend to live with it for the rest of their life and they have to take medication to keep it from getting worse. 

I called the nurse practitioner back to get more information, but she said that she wasn't certified to give me that information. So she said she would sent the info to my general doctor and I would have to make another appointment to get the confirmation. 

If you don’t know what Hypothyroid or Hyperthyroid is, here's a little information on it:

Hypothyroidism is caused by an underproduction of the thyroid hormone. Some of the symptoms include fatigue, loss of appetite, inability to tolerate cold, a slow heart rate, weight gain, painful periods, muscle weakness, muscle cramps, hair loss, constipation, depression, difficulty concentrating, slow speech, and swollen eyes. Those are just some of the symptoms, there are others, but these are the ones that I related the most to. Hypothyroidism affects about 20 million people in the world, 90% of them are women and 60% are not aware of their condition.

Hyperthyroidism is a disorder when the thyroid gland produces too much thyroid hormone, which results in an overactive metabolic state. All of the body’s processes speed up with this disorder. The symptoms of this disorder include nervousness, irritability, a constant feeling of being hot, insomnia, fatigue, weakness, hair and weight loss, and the intolerance of heat. Again, these are just some of the symptoms, and I’m listing the ones that I had.

Hyperthyroidism is not as common as hypothyroidism, and both of these affect women more than men. Many cases of hypothyroidism and hypothyroidism are believed to result from an abnormal immune response, but the exact issue is not understood.  

Both issues can lead to greater diseases, and most often when taking hypothyroid medication, you can become hyperthyroid because you can’t always keep track on which side you were on, therefore you have to take medication for your whole life.

I had symptoms from both hyper and hypo, so I was really scared of which one I actually had.

I made an appointment for the next coming Tuesday.

I can only remember these details because I dig deep, but I don’t want to.

My husband was by me during this whole time, I texted him every single detail when he wasn't there. The first thing I did was give up on myself, but he still stood by me.

There are so many small things that affected me during this time and its hard to get all of the details but I'm trying. I know that school stressed me out to the max, Biomedical Engineering is a pain in the ass, especially when you're starting the core classes. I was stressed in my relationship, thinking I wasn't good enough for my husband and that he should have left me when it was easiest. Family stressed me out because I was supposed to be the perfect wife all the time and it was overbearing. I also had a hard time at work, I was putting in more than I was getting paid (everyone was) and it was the worst. Now I had some weird ass health issue that I had to deal with everyday and take medication when I didn't even eat. 

I was tired all the time. I hated waking up in the morning. I had nightmares every single night, which kept me up. I was hungry, but I didn't eat. I got car sick every morning on my way to school. I couldn't study because my nerves kept me from focusing. I wanted to go running but I couldn't get myself off the couch to do so. 

The day after I found out, I went to my six-hour chemistry class. I started to make a few friends in that class because we had a lot of group projects and they were awesome people so I let them in on my recent diagnosis. Two out of three of them had hyperthyroidism, since they were 9 and 13, which was absolutely absurd. I never thought it was so common. They told me how they have to take medication for the rest of their lives and that they always felt like crap. Which didn't help me in my situation, I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to go through something like this, I wasn't ready. I kept on praying and asking god to relieve me from this pain. Everyday and every night, I begged and begged, but he never came. 

There were thoughts that kept me up at night and I thought about ending things right then and there. I didn't want to do this anymore.